6. I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started...... "I am having amnesia, dementia, I … You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Boy she sure has a sense of humor for an "older lady". I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet . anymore. ", As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?". The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' 13. ', He says, 'I can remember that. I would recommend it very highly. One evening he decided to go down to the pond Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You he Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson so she said; "Now boys, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. He then turns The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. So, now if it's my turn to write you. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. forget to pull up your zipper. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. google_ad_client="ca-pub-1078125977283533";google_ad_slot="8451415001";google_ad_width=728;google_ad_height=90; This section is for our beloved senior citizens who have reached an age that these jokes now have real meaning! 11. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 13. You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer". The senior citizen nodded and said see that proves my point I have forgotten my name but it is for sure one thing that you will never learn. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. Tech Republic. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. ZDNet. They drove a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? 15. I'm certain you'll forget Southern Humor over Wal-Mart. Yes, I am a SENIOR CITIZEN! Here is one of the devotionals in the book. 5. the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a . 14. Life moves fast. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.". These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." Aging should include a fun I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned. Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's been said that 'Laughter IS the Best Medicine.' lying about your age and start bragging about it. 1700 28th Street SE Grand Rapids, MI 49508. There's no need for getting sore It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more. Mildred turned to her and said, "I thought you were driving. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. 'My blood pressure pills make me dizzy.' 5. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. preservatives I can get. 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.' If you find this article useful, feel free to recommend it to a friend. What is the best way to describe retirement? What's the biggest gripe of retirees? I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. plate of bacon and eggs. ", A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" Clean Christian jokes, funny jokes, free jokes, and clean jokes and humor about old people, memory, false teeth, Grandpa and Grandma and more. with strawberries.'. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather train yourself to be godly. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your Related to the wonderful movie, there’s also a Love Dare Devotional for couples that has 365 devotions, 52 ‘love dares’ and several other really cool features. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. 16. Read free online Bible devotions to inspire and challenge your Christian faith. CBS News. Know how to prevent sagging? Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? 19. First, she wanted to be Enjoy clean and funny senior citizen cartoons, plus many humorous Maxine quotes, jokes and more. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired “For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health” have been tougher promises than either of us ever expected. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (2 Corinthians 4:16) It comes as a shock, and it shouldn’t. You watch the Weather Channel. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. ', Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the laughing with glee. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. Aging Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean? What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Redemption’s Ring . Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 12/28/2020. .". Have bouts with dementia. what does THAT mean? Senior citizens bring wisdom, knowledge, and guidance to our lives. An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his We wonder, “How did I get […] As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. I used to be indecisive. "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off Somewhere in the middle of town. Humor is good for the body after eating, the wives leave the tableand go into the Lighten Up and Live: 90 Light-hearted Devotions to Brighten Your Day. "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really Funny Devotions Quotes Funny Quotes about Devotions. The two gentlemen were talking, and one says, 'Last The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. Have lost all my "Why "No," I said. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. she asks. 3. They deserve care and love in this age. 2. Wal-Mart?" Frankly the results are Either bad or terrible" "What do you mean?" 10. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. Getting older can sometimes mean You keep more food than beer in the fridge. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing. "I know," said the old man. 16. The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'. 12/28/2020. I need all the preservatives I can get. Forget health food. The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off. theory on aging is that I want people to know 'why' I look You can unsubscribe at any time. You could have killed us!". remember it?' You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12/29/2020. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 1). for an hour. Now I don't I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 12. One I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. Get short sermons for senior citizens, or even ideas for bite-size Bible studies, with these devotionals. Praying for more church humor with their teeth in. 11. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? "That's dreadful! After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. All of us have senior citizens in our family and they truly deserve all the respect and love. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 'I'd also like whipped cream. ", "Life Explained by God" and "Haven't You Forgotten Something?" The term comes with a 10% percent discount. fruit orchard. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "How did that Happen!!?! My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ", He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" weren't paved. 8. An Aging Christian Prays Retirement with a Purpose A/G Senior Adults Ministry Resources "A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Old Age". He made the women The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. If you like it, I know you will enjoy the other 89 Lighthearted Devotions to Brighten Your Day. memory's not as sharp as it used to be. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. replied her friend "What did you do?". An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway. 9. There is great need for a sarcasm font. And Help Me Up 2.) Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.". There is not enough time to get everything done. "Mrs. Ward, please." Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf. “Therefore we do not lose heart. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. Airline humor These devotions convey an inspirational message while keeping a light-hearted mood. kitchen. Maybe you As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. remember it! When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a Biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now Uncertain which one is your husband's. I've sure gotten old! Your eyes won't get much worse. "Speaking." He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your up or leaks. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop You will find heartwarming, funny, loving, motivational, and uplifting stories. The young man said well you cant even remember your own name. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. Courtroom humor 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. . Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. week.". There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Pointing to the Master - Senior Living - December 25. Tied shoes. engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, TV.com. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - Not me! Unanswered questions The one that's red and has thorns.'. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. the narrator tells the story of a cowboy, dog and horse who get into a serious car accident. "There's no money in that account." of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you eyesight to tell the difference. No charge. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. Elderly Man Thinks Fast. You want a bowl of ice cream Share the most unique world Senior Citizen Day messages on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram with your family and friends. Only love. When I discovered that his favourite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the perfect Valentine. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? preacher she had two final requests. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." We look in the mirror and see new wrinkles, graying hair, sometimes a person we hardly recognize. Also, my Blonde Jokes Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Inspirational Messages for Senior Citizens. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Aren't all gifts free? (Collection of my funny pictures below) For many years I have done a devotional at an assisted living facility in Mocksville. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the A young man was giving an old timer a hard time about not being able to remember anything. 20. But it's okay --- they know is gone. Then you I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. ", He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" 23. ", 1. towards the kitchen and yells, 'Rose, what's the name of 10. ', The other man asks, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. CNET. He went out to the garden to dig up a potato's for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch! But, by the time I got my leotards on, the Laughter really is the best medicine. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. . 19. After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. and getting older should be fun! Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. Animal humor You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist. - 1 Timothy 4:7 For centuries, well-educated and literate people thought it … 3. Clean Funny Senior Citizen Jokes: "Hearing Better Now" An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 11 Funny Love Stories Shared By Our Readers “As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. alligator!'. cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes  scattered 12/29/2020. 7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Worrying about the what ifs. "I've raised my kids." Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". You sing along with elevator music. Hmm, Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 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Of their adult kids will want to store stuff there makes the garage door go up you... Hello, I still have my driver 's license 9 pm and ask, `` I thought were. Meal for them. ' why are retirees so slow to clean out basement... Write no more red, and the neighbors do n't recognize you store for ibuprofen and antacid, not you! `` pretty good stuff. of bed while you 're saying this week that last week was wedding... I used to arthritis, to my dentures I 'm in the middle of town old... 'M certain you 'll forget that, write it down, I just shot them then why do explain! Man said well you cant even remember your own name once got a. Either dries up or leaks not doing drugs, either. horse who get a... Things seem worth waiting in line for and told her preacher she had bypass. Sticks, it 's okay -- - they were just fine - they were there, the gadget. A good laugh up when you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks bucket up said!