This page shares a full list of book summaries I have compiled during my reading and research. Shift from, “This person is my opponent who needs to understand what I’m saying,” to “This person is my partner in a conversation and I can learn from him-including learning exactly why he believes what he believes.”, Treating an individual as a partner in civil dialogue does not mean accepting their conclusions or buying into their reasoning. Many delicate conversations fail because nobody acknowledges that the other party is acting upon what they think is morally right. (Rapoport is a game theorist. Someone might say, for instance, “I hate the government,” when they mean they hate intrusive government, corruption, bureaucracy, concentrated political authority, or regulations that don’t comport with their values. One by one, I recognize the same mistakes in me. Therefore, the goal of an intervention is to help people become less confident about what they believe, which is where changing someone’s mind begins. If your partner assumes you have bad intentions, do not waste time trying to convince her otherwise. Say: “It’s hard,” “That must be absolutely infuriating,” “I hear you,” and “That really frustrates me, too.”. How to Have Impossible Conversations is a necessary guide to navigating disagreements -- and building bridges -- using approaches backed by evidence and science." Refresh and try again. ): 1. Welcome back. We think we possess the information in the books because we have access to them, but we don’t have the knowledge because we’ve never read the books, much less studied them in depth. impossible to pay for if found. Rather than calling out her offenses, try to make sense of what she is saying and appreciate her authenticity, however rough around the edges. Then come the pleasures of clarification, conversations in which another person sharpens our ideas by correcting our tendencies to mental blankness and distraction. Immediately after a tense moment make an empathy statement. Friends have disowned each other over whether they support gun control, immigration, climate change or Trump. It is almost impossible to be bored when a person tells you sincerely what they have failed at or who has humiliated them, what they long for and when they have been at their craziest. Contributions are made by everyone, and most problems have more than one contributor. 2. Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and … Try to interact with different types of English speakers. Take note of how people pronounce things when they have different emotions. Something that’s said in anger and something that’s said in passing (quickly, casually) sound very different. . Define words up front. Summary of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen Summary written by Conflict Research Consortium Staff Citation: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, (New York: Viking Penguin, 1999). My classmates convinced me that it is just as important as happiness, freedom, and many other “basic needs” that we as a nation have already defined as rights. In social science generally and linguistics specifically, the cooperative principle describes how people achieve effective conversational communication in common social situations—that is, how listeners and speakers act cooperatively and mutually accept one another to be understood in a particular way. By probing the limits of a belief, you can reveal that the individual does not live according to the professed belief. Have a discussion with your book club about the ways your reading selection has changed each of you. Offer people golden bridges in public, when people have a public conversation they put their pride on the line; consequently, we tend to cling even more tightly to our views in a public forum than in private. They … Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds. Whether the perpetrator is a coworker, a reporting staff person, or maybe even, your boss, you owe it to them for workplace harmony and serenity, and workplace cleanliness and wellness to hold a difficult conversation. (That's why we called our program dealing with this particular issue, HardTalk!) Switch from “I disagree” to “I’m skeptical.”. 4. Though many arguments seem to be about matters of substance, they’re often just disagreements about the meanings of words. https://wisewords.blog/book-summaries/how-to-have-impossible-conversations Da Capo Lifelong, $16.99 trade paper (256p) ISBN 978-0-7382-8532-0 Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and … If you are looking for complementary reading to this I would check out: Never Split the Difference Book Summary and Non-Violent Communication Book Summary. Speak about ideas and beliefs, not the people who hold them. Following this analogy, we’ll call this fallacy the “Unread Library Effect.”. List any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of. And so we wrote this book to break through those partisan divides and teach people how to communicate with each other. How to Have Impossible Conversations Book Summary is quite possibly my favourite book on becoming a better communicator with others. Stupid liberal. But once we do, we realize, "Wow, yeah, there's a core set of values that I attach myself to deeply." It tracks the effectiveness of your intervention. Remember the power of Modeling: mapping out one’s own contributions to a problem can naturally lead others to engage in the same. The authors note that "the more easily you can admit to your own mistakes, your own mixed intentions, and your own contributions to the problem, the more balanced you will feel during the conversation, and the higher the chances it will go well."(p. At best, feelings are hurt and family and friends decide to avoid political discussions altogether. In our current political climate, it seems impossible to have a civil conversation with someone who has a different opinion. It displays the virtues of revising beliefs and modeling, and thus becomes an invitation for others to do the same. That being said this is a truly fascinating book, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. If your partner enters messenger mode, begin a listening and learning mode centering on asking questions. Audible provides the highest quality audio and narration. It is much easier to instill doubt than it is to nudge people toward a belief or to change their preference. From admitting you don’t know enough to hold a firm position on a topic, ask for explanations, in as much detail as possible, about your partner’s beliefs. And then recognize that that's a trigger for all of us if we're gonna go into a difficult conversation. Identifying contributions is a joint, interactive approach to understanding a broader picture of how a state of affairs came to be; the idea of contribution is about understanding and forward thinking. Here is a simple way you can focus on how your partner comes to knowledge rather than just on what he thinks he knows: Make a brief, positive statement before probing someone’s epistemology. IMPOSSIBLE CONVERSATIONS ™ ++ VISUAL PROGRAMMING // Skip to main content *Join our mailing list for updates ~ worldwide shipping* Shop ; Mailing List; Archive; Sizing; Contact; Cart; Shop ; Contact; Cart; Featured Products. Unless you can distinguish yourself from the people “on your side” who your conversation partner considers the most frightening, you’ll never gain their trust; they’ll never care how much you know about topics near to their deepest concerns, like religion, morals, and politics. However, it certainly isn’t impossible to master! How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay Learn to argue less and persuade more. Ignorant conservative. Build a Golden Bridge when you feel under attack. I have tried to summarize each book on this page in just three sentences, which I think is a fun way to distill the main ideas of the book. Beyond knowing how confident someone is that a belief is true, asking someone to assign a numerical value to their confidence does two things: 1. Obey your instincts.® During each conversation, listen for more than content. Below, you’ll find five tips on how to have impossible conversations. We recommend “favoriting” this photo for easy access and checking it before or during any future tough conversations in which you find yourself. How to Have Impossible Conversations guides readers through the process of having effective, civil discussions about any divisive issues--not just religious faith but climate change, race, gender, poverty, immigration, and gun control. If someone attacks you personally, recast the attack as being about the issue. 119) Other ways to maintain a balanced sense of self in difficult conversations include not trying to control the other's reactions, instead preparing for their reaction, … However, health care had seemed less of a basic need than happiness or freedom. How to Have Impossible Conversations guides readers through the process of having effective, civil discussions about any divisive issues--not just religious faith but climate change, race, gender, poverty, immigration, and gun control. One of the best ways to sort out feelings, especially in strained conversations, is to listen and acknowledge them as soon as possible. Question: How do you switch from viewing people as opponents, moral degenerates, or even enemies to valued partners and collaborators? 4. 1. As Peter found when dealing with prison inmates and talking to hardline religious believers, and in thousands of conversations about morally contentious issues, few people have deeply considered the meanings and implications of morally relevant terms, like justice, fairness, loyalty, or truth. Say, “I really want to understand what led you to those conclusions. Change your mindset From Winning to Understanding. Multitasking forces you to pay a mental price each time you interrupt one task and jump to another. ... How much can you understand? It’s where we’re most vulnerable and it’s the entryway into facilitating doubt and helping someone decrease the confidence in their beliefs. – How to use collaborative language to get people to feel that you’re on the same team. In the Meno, Socrates said that people do not knowingly desire bad things. This reinforces acknowledgment and demonstrates listening and learning stances. Have her brainstorm alternative solutions. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation — whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. And so do you. People need time to wrestle with doubt, incorporate new information, mull over challenges and different perspectives, and rethink their positions. It’s also the gateway to humility. Here is a quick description and cover image of book How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide written by Peter Boghossian which was published in 2019-9-17. Fortunately, it's not impossible to greatly improve your conversational ability. What leads you to conclude that?”. They … And so we wrote this book to break through those partisan divides and teach people how to communicate with each other. Often social groups break apart. Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account. Changing one’s mind happens slowly and in a way that suits one’s individual psychology and habits. This book gives a chapter to each of its points, introducing concepts and giving you specific examples of how to apply them to conversation, and it moves on. There are no discussion topics on this book yet. They’re delivering messages. You’re an idiot. In How to Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay guide you through the straightforward, practical, conversational techniques necessary for every successful conversation — whether the issue is climate change, religious faith, gender identity, race, poverty, immigration, or gun control. Get your head out of your @*&. Discover how company leaders are successfully onboarding new hires when everyone is working from home. Confrontation should be a search for the truth. People may become defensive, lost, desperate, or angry. An impossible conversation is a conversation across a divide or a gulf when you don’t think it’s possible. Ask questions that expose problems and contradictions. This isn't a thousand-page self-help book where a note card worth of ideas is stretched out to an entire novel. “. Almost everyone has a brittle moral epistemology-this fragility is your main entry point in a belief intervention. 7. Second, they lead themselves into doubt rather than feeling pressured by someone else. Instead of blame, invite people to collaboratively look for contributions. Onboarding work from home (WFH) employees can be challenging. This will make it easier over time to have conversations that feel natural and can give you some opening topics next time you talk. Challenging these beliefs triggers the same brain responses as putting someone in physical danger. You’ll be less likely to deliver messages if you’re more focused on figuring out how someone knows what they know then if you presume to understand the reasoning behind someone’s conclusions. The most common mistake in conversations is focusing on what people claim to know (beliefs and conclusions) as opposed to how they came to know it (their reasoning processes). The world would be a better place if everyone read this book. 1. Boghossian and Lindsay teach the subtle art of instilling doubts and opening minds. More than 1.4 billion people use Facebook every single day, and many multiple times a day. 9 min read. Delivering a message feels like teaching, whereas a conversation has give-and-take that rewards with learning. Answer: Shift your goal from winning to understanding. Do not rush to fill them. If you start to assume your partner has bad intentions, switch to a frame of curiosity. A review of Peter Boghossian and James A. 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